What are we having?

What are we having?  That is the big question.  We will know in 3 days.  It will be interesting to see how this doctor informs us. I guess we will get another picture.  Can't wait.  We are not thinking of names or fixing up the room until we know.  Then after we know, we have to wait until March Madness is over then it is on.  Check back this week and I will let you know if its a boy or girl..  Bye for now.

Lemon aid

Well Stephanie and her mom went back to the doctor last week to hear the heartbeat and give blood.  I couldn't go because of work.  I'm sure he used the VCR box again and played the same tape so I probably didn't miss much.  Well, while my wife was there, they found her to have high blood pressure.  It could be a problem but they want to check things out first.  How will they check things? Let me tell you.  My wife will probably kill me for telling people this but I feel like I have to.  What you are about to read is for educational purposes only, not for entertainment.
  Well they send her home with what looks like a quart measuring cup.  You know, like the ones you cook with.  It has wings on each side and everything is plastic.  Well this thing fits in the toilet bowl.  The wings fit on top of the edges with the measuring cup suspended in the bowl right over the water.  We are talking really high tech stuff here.  Well my poor wife has to pee in this thing and then pour it into a orange jug.  She has to do this for a full 24 hours.  I told her I would help her fill up the jug so she wouldn't have to do it for so long but she said that probably wouldn't be good.  Well she has to keep her colored liquid in this jug until the next day.  Well folks this is when it really gets good.  Guess where they told her she had to keep the jug?  Yes people, IN THE FRIDGE.  You have to be fridging kidding me. 
We clean out half of the fridge to put this toxic jug in.  Once the jug was in the fridge, I did not eat or drink anything that was in the fridge.  You can ask Stephanie.  I didn't even open the fridge.  This poor jug has it's own shelf all by itself.  There is nothing anywhere close to it.  Just picture opening your fridge and on one side a 2 litter of coke and on the other side, everything stacked on top of everything.  Well the next day comes and it's Friday.  My wife gets up, does some things around the house, then gets the jug ready to be delivered back to the doctor.  She has to put it in a big bag that says "Bio hazard" and carry it from the parking lot to the office.  After getting to the office with delivery in hand, the door is locked.  Yes people, the doctor leaves early on Fridays.  Stephanie then has to take this package back to her car and come home.  Now what the hell do we do.  She calls a 24 hour office line and they tell her to dump it out and do everything again on Sunday and bring in Monday.  I believe this is a test from the doctor to see if my wife is really committed to having this baby.  Let me tell you right now, she is.  Well, we have another day that the fridge is off limits. Monday comes and she takes he colored liquid to the doctor and this time gets to leave it there.  So glad this is over for her. 
We still have the measurement cup and I think we can put it to use.  It looks like the attachment you use to potty train a baby.  We can just hold on to it and use it later.  Well, The fridge was cleaned and sanitized and any food that was near by was thrown away. This session is over for my wife and I hope she doesn't get to mad at me for telling you about it.  The only advise I can give people about this is if you ever come over to our house, Never drink any lemon aid found in our fridge.   

Lesson 3

Learned Lesson #3 a few weeks ago.  When a woman is pregnant, she is not fat.  I really don't know how to explain this.  Women need to understand that just because we say someone is fat while she is pregnant, doesn't mean we are saying something bad.  We are just stating facts.  I saw a woman the other day who was pregnant (with what looked like a beachball) and said she was fat.  I wasn't making fun of her, just stating what I saw.  I knew the reason why she was fat.  My lovely skinny wife then said "she is not fat, she is pregnant".  What the hell does that mean?  That is like someone saying that I am tall and I say "No I'm not, I just have long legs".  Believe me, people can tell if a woman is fat from being pregnant or from eating.  We are not making fun of pregnant women.  And I don't understand why a woman will be popping out and ask if she is fat and her friends will say "NO, I can't tell".  I guess you have to be a woman to understand this.  Women just don't need to be so hard on males when we comment.  We are not being mean. 

Awkward Moment #4.......WOW!!!!!

Ok.  I know everyone has been waiting for my latest post.  Work, school, and vandy basketball games have kept me busy for the last few months.  Oh well, lets get caught up.  A few weeks ago we got to hear the baby's heartbeat.  Yes my wife has two heartbeats.  Well we go this the doctor to hear this and I have no idea what is fixing to happen.  I was running late form work so we almost missed it.  They said we HAD to be there by 4:00 or they would be closed.  Well we get there at 3:57 and the waiting room is packed.  I really don't understand why the waiting room is always packed.  Note to any whoo hoo doctors out there: have big waiting rooms with a little space between seats and have air condition sufficient enough to keep the room at least under 75 degrees.  Well after waiting in this room for over an hour, they finally call us back.  Thinking we were about to hear this second beat, they put us in a smaller hotter room.  It was in this room that I experienced awkward moment #4.  We were sitting there and I was looking around at all of the interesting posters and pictures.  I don't care how old or what any guy has been through, seeing and reading the things on these posters makes any guy a little uncomfortable.  We want the kid, we just don't want to know about everything that has to happen for the kid to get here.  We just don't.  It is not us being mean or disrespectful, we just don't want to know everything.  Ok, this was not awkward moment #4.  Maybe awkward moment #4a.  What I am about to tell you is awkward moment #4.  While I was scanning over all of the pictures and posters, my attention was stopped on one that I just couldn't look away from.  It was rather disturbing.  It was over the sink and had several circles on it.  Under the circles were measurements.  It looked like a poster that should be hanging up in a 4th grade math class talking about circles and shapes.  Then I read the title.  It said "Sizes of Dilation".  I have always heard "she is dilated to 3" or "she is at 5".  It always seemed small and I didn't really think about it.  But holy $#!t.  The last circle was 10 and you could throw a football through it.  Are you freaking kidding me.  There is no way in hell that I am going to be at that end when the time comes.  I found out how this is possible.  You may not want to hear this but your woman's hips will dislocate like the jaws of a snake swallowing a goat.  Then they just pop back in place.  I hope I can make it through all of this without passing out and hitting the floor.  So after this disturbing event, the doctor finally comes in.  So we are about to hear the heartbeat so I'm expecting some huge wild machine to do this.  Well that is not what he brought.  He had in one hand a little box just smaller than a VCR tape.  For all of you that were born after 1990, VCR stands for Video Cassette Recorder. The VCR tape went into the player to watch video.  It later turned into the DVD that we use today.  Ok, now that everyone is up to date, he brings in this small box with, what actually looks like a small 1980's microphone, hanging from it.  He turns it on and starts rubbing it on my wife's stomach.  We hear a sound almost instantly.  It is not the baby but Stephanie.  How he knows this, I have no idea.  He then searches more and says here it is.  Well it didn't really sound like a heartbeat.  The best way to describe it is to think about an old Atari game.  If you are at least my age, you played Atari.  Well there was a game called Space Invaders.  When the aliens got closer to your shields, they would speed up.  Well the sound would also get faster.  Well the heartbeat sounded like the aliens were about to get to your tank. Just a fast sound.  If you have no idea what I am talking about, look up the game and I am sure you can get some sound on it.  Well we got to hear this sound for about 5 seconds and he said "thanks for bringing that in today".  Are you kidding me.  We wait for 2 hours for a 5 second show.  I'm not even sure if that was actually the heartbeat.  That small box could have been a recorder and once again, all he did is push play.  The tape probably wasn't long so all we could listen to was 5 seconds.  I bet we would have heard music if we kept listening.  Oh well.  It's still good.  This 5 second recording only cost us 2 hours of time and about $800.00.  That sounds fair.  Well were off for a few weeks, then we will find out what we are having.  I will let you know as soon as know. 

Emotions

Well I had a choice to do homework which I am behind in or update the blog.  As you can see I chose the more important thing.Here it is the middle of January and I haven't updated anything.  Man has a lot happened since my last blog.  Where to start?
I will first start by telling everyone Merry Christmas or to the non Christmas believing readers, Happy Celebration Of The Cold Wintry Season".  I learned "Lesson 2" over the holiday season.  This lesson is when your loving partner is pregnant, she can have some real emotional swings without notice.  My Stephanie wanted a grilling pan to cook with.  I had no idea what a grilling pan was so I just said OK and had no intentions on buying one.  Well shopping for groceries one night, I found a grilling pan.  It is nothing more than a frying pan with ridges.  Anyway, I bought this for my wife and went home with it.  When I got home, I gave it to my wife. (And for the people wandering if I got her this for Christmas, the answer is NO)
After she got this she smiled and acted excited and hugged me.  Then in a split second, she started crying.  Confused as you know what, I ask "Why she was crying".  She then answered in the whiny, baby, squeaky voice, "I have nothing to cook in it".  Yes folks, she said she had nothing to cook in it.  Trust me, the emotions can swing from on to another is seconds.
During this time, do not allow your wife to watch any movies that contain any of the following.

1. People falling in love
2. People breaking up
3. People dieing
4. People almost dieing
5. People having babies
6. People getting married

If you allow her to watch  movies like this, you are doing it at your own risk.  The tears will start flowing and will not stop.  Only allow her to watch boring kids movies or game shows. 
       

The Last Vacation

I started this post back in December.  I thought I was going to add things but I didn't.  So I just posted it like it is.
Well this past weekend, me, Stephanie, our blueberry, and Stefanie and Doug Curtiss went to Gatlinburg.  This was the last time we will be able to go by ourselves and do whatever we want.  We had a great time but wish we could have stayed longer.  Hard to believe that this time next year I will have a 5 month old.  WOW.  Well after we got home, we found out that our blueberry has now become a grape.  Listen folks, I do not like comparing a baby to something you can eat.  From now on I will be comparing it to something that is not eatable.  So right now my wife has a marble growing in her.  Yes a marble.  Next week I think it get to the size of an ping pong ball.  We will see.
Well I learned lesson #1 today.  When a woman is pregnant, she can be a little crabby.  Yes people, crabby.  She will say she doesn't get that way but she does.  You have to just make the best of it and move on.  Don't argue with her on wither or not she is. No matter what, you will not win this argument.  I have the solution to this problem.  If you are a male and have a baby coming soon from your loving partner, you have to make a calender. This is not an ordinary calender. This is called the "Bitch Calender".  What is this calender, I will tell you.  You make a calender for nine months.  This is the calender for the entire pregnancy.  You will have roughly 279 days available.  During these 279 days, you will mark everyday that a crabby session happens.  You will allow her to have ONLY 150 days of crabbiness.  Now before you start saying this is not fair, let me explain.  This allows her more than half of the days to be crabby.  This is also giving 31 days a month including February (if February is included in your nine months).  Also, most of the time you will not find out she is pregnant until she is for a month or so.  This gives here another 31 days to be crabby.  So I don't want to hear anything about being unfair.  So you mark the days she is not a happy partner and when this is all over, you can show her what you went through.  I'm sure she will say she wasn't bad, but  you can now show her.  I'm sure all of my guy readers are saying, "yes this is a good idea" and all of the female readers are saying this is wrong.  If you are a female, saying this is wrong, and are pregnant, this is a mark on your calender.                

Awkward Moment #3

Ok, glad you came back.  Well today was the day I got to meet the doctor that is going to catch Jr. when he or she comes into the world.  Well we get to this doctor's office, sign in, and find us a couple of comfortable wood-back seats.  We are waiting and the TV is on.  Guess what was on the TV?  Yes folks, Dr. Phil.  What else would be on TV in this place?  Well that wasn't what caught my attention.  Guess what was on Dr. Phil?  It was an episode on kids growing up, joining gangs at age 9, shooting people, and doing drugs.  This really made me feel good about raising a kid.  If this wasn't enough, there was this couple with a 4 year old boy.  This boy thought this waiting room was his private playground.  He was running and yelling all over the place.  I almost tripped him one time when he ran by but, I thought better of it.  If he tripped, he would probably have gotten louder.  So after we had been there watching TV and sitting for almost 45 minutes, they called Stephanie's name and she left.  I was there all by myself with about 15 other pregnant women.  You know how it feels when you think someone is staring at you, well take this feeling and multiply it by 15.  I thought the heat was getting ready to kick on, but it didn't.  So now after I have been sitting there for over an hour, Stephanie comes out and I believe we are getting ready to leave.  I start to get excited, then she tells me she has to drink a glass of water and then she has to get an ultrasound.  For those of you who don't know, ultrasounds are the biggest scams in medical history.  I like to call it an ultrascam.  All that is happening is the same video is played over the screen for every pregnant client.  Yes folks, the same video for everyone.  If you don't believe me, just look at two different ultrasounds.  They are the same movie.  It is a bunch of black and white blotches and a dot where the "BABY" is.  This is nothing more than a black and white movie of someone rustling through a blanket.  It is a scam.  Don't you think that by now they could have this in color and HD.  If they can colorize the movie Casablanca, surely they can have a little color here.   
OK. We go back to the room and the ultrasoundest dims the lights.  This is so you can not see him push play on the DVD player.  If you don't believe me just look.  I saw the player right under the computer.  Then he squirts some cold jello on the stomach of the client.  It is cold so the client doesn't notice what he is doing.  This is a diversions tactic.  So then he runs a Wii remote around in the jello and says this "picture" is the baby.  Whatever.  I just see shapes.  It looks like an I.Q. ink blot test, but I will go along with his game.  Anyway, he said it is the size of a blueberry.  A few weeks ago it was a poppy seed, then it went to a sesame seed, now a blueberry.  Just something to wonder about, why do they always compare the baby with something you eat.
Ok now back to the untrascam.  He plays with the Wii remote for a while and prints off about 15 pictures.  While looking at them in the dark, they look like a really bad photo negative.  Then when he turns on the lights and we see that they are all the same picture.  Yes folks, everyone gets the same damn picture.  So we take our photo booth pictures and head to the doctors office.  While we are waiting form him, I notice other files on his desk.  I just happen to look closely and see that these people have the same pictures as we do.  I tell you, it is a scam. 
Well this doctor walks in and I stand up to shake his hand.  This is when Awkward Moment #3 happens.  I realize that I just shook the hand, of another man, who will have this hand, "down there".  I didn't know what to say or do at this point.  After he talked to Stephanie for a while, I found out that he was a Vandy Fan.  If this is true, I may allow him to stick his hands "down there".  So we talked for a while and finally got up to leave.  He told us to bring a VCR tape next time and he will record the next ultrascam.  This basically means he will dub it.  I thought about just asking for his copy but didn't want to blow his cover.  You know you can buy these videos on ebay.  So this day is finished and I am getting ready to call it a night.  Just remember, they are a scam.