Awkward Moment #3

Ok, glad you came back.  Well today was the day I got to meet the doctor that is going to catch Jr. when he or she comes into the world.  Well we get to this doctor's office, sign in, and find us a couple of comfortable wood-back seats.  We are waiting and the TV is on.  Guess what was on the TV?  Yes folks, Dr. Phil.  What else would be on TV in this place?  Well that wasn't what caught my attention.  Guess what was on Dr. Phil?  It was an episode on kids growing up, joining gangs at age 9, shooting people, and doing drugs.  This really made me feel good about raising a kid.  If this wasn't enough, there was this couple with a 4 year old boy.  This boy thought this waiting room was his private playground.  He was running and yelling all over the place.  I almost tripped him one time when he ran by but, I thought better of it.  If he tripped, he would probably have gotten louder.  So after we had been there watching TV and sitting for almost 45 minutes, they called Stephanie's name and she left.  I was there all by myself with about 15 other pregnant women.  You know how it feels when you think someone is staring at you, well take this feeling and multiply it by 15.  I thought the heat was getting ready to kick on, but it didn't.  So now after I have been sitting there for over an hour, Stephanie comes out and I believe we are getting ready to leave.  I start to get excited, then she tells me she has to drink a glass of water and then she has to get an ultrasound.  For those of you who don't know, ultrasounds are the biggest scams in medical history.  I like to call it an ultrascam.  All that is happening is the same video is played over the screen for every pregnant client.  Yes folks, the same video for everyone.  If you don't believe me, just look at two different ultrasounds.  They are the same movie.  It is a bunch of black and white blotches and a dot where the "BABY" is.  This is nothing more than a black and white movie of someone rustling through a blanket.  It is a scam.  Don't you think that by now they could have this in color and HD.  If they can colorize the movie Casablanca, surely they can have a little color here.   
OK. We go back to the room and the ultrasoundest dims the lights.  This is so you can not see him push play on the DVD player.  If you don't believe me just look.  I saw the player right under the computer.  Then he squirts some cold jello on the stomach of the client.  It is cold so the client doesn't notice what he is doing.  This is a diversions tactic.  So then he runs a Wii remote around in the jello and says this "picture" is the baby.  Whatever.  I just see shapes.  It looks like an I.Q. ink blot test, but I will go along with his game.  Anyway, he said it is the size of a blueberry.  A few weeks ago it was a poppy seed, then it went to a sesame seed, now a blueberry.  Just something to wonder about, why do they always compare the baby with something you eat.
Ok now back to the untrascam.  He plays with the Wii remote for a while and prints off about 15 pictures.  While looking at them in the dark, they look like a really bad photo negative.  Then when he turns on the lights and we see that they are all the same picture.  Yes folks, everyone gets the same damn picture.  So we take our photo booth pictures and head to the doctors office.  While we are waiting form him, I notice other files on his desk.  I just happen to look closely and see that these people have the same pictures as we do.  I tell you, it is a scam. 
Well this doctor walks in and I stand up to shake his hand.  This is when Awkward Moment #3 happens.  I realize that I just shook the hand, of another man, who will have this hand, "down there".  I didn't know what to say or do at this point.  After he talked to Stephanie for a while, I found out that he was a Vandy Fan.  If this is true, I may allow him to stick his hands "down there".  So we talked for a while and finally got up to leave.  He told us to bring a VCR tape next time and he will record the next ultrascam.  This basically means he will dub it.  I thought about just asking for his copy but didn't want to blow his cover.  You know you can buy these videos on ebay.  So this day is finished and I am getting ready to call it a night.  Just remember, they are a scam.    
    

Awkward Moment #1 & #2

Well I'm glad to see you decided to come back and read again.  As I said earlier, I am a little behind on the story so give me a few days and everything will be current.  Ok, So my wife told me she was pregnant and we were going to have a baby.  After I regained consciousness, I told her to don't get her hopes up just yet.  I then told her that just because one test was positive, doesn't mean it was 100% true.  At this time, she brought out a bag of positive tests.  What is up with women and pregnancy tests.  If they test negative, they keep taking them to make sure.  If they test positive, they keep taking them to make sure.  Why take one, if you don't believe them.  And a woman can not buy just one.  They buy them by the boxes.  Since the 37 tests Stephanie took are positive, we need to get rid of the 8 boxes we have left.  If you need or know anyone that might need some tests, let me know and maybe we can work something out. 
Anyway, I told her she needed to see a doctor to make sure.  This is when she said she had an appointment the next day.  So the next day she goes to the doctor and calls me at work and said it was true.  Positive test.  Once again the heat must have kicked on at work because I started sweating and seeing dots.  I told her Great and I would see her when I got home.  I don't remember anything else about work that day just walking in the door at home. 
So we now have to start telling everyone.   Now from a guys point of view, I just thought you told whoever you saw in no order.  This is not how things work.  There is a woman's unwritten code for who you tell, how you tell, and in what order you tell.  The order is parents, siblings, family, really close friends, co-workers, friends, and finally whoever else.   You can not break this order.  They say a woman gets crabby when she is pregnant ( and I'm sure I will find this out) but threaten to break this order and you will see crabby.  So we told my parents, then sister.  Then we told her parents and brother, now we are in the middle of telling close friends, then we will finish by the end of the month.  Now lets talk about telling the parents.  We told my parents and everything went well.  They were shocked and stunned but it went OK.  Then we went to tell Stephanie's parents.  Well we told her parents we were going to stop by after we got a Christmas tree from a place close to where they live.  Well we get there and they are not home.  We waited for an hour before the finally got home.  After they walked in we talked for a while and then told them the real truth why we were there.  There was some screaming, crying, hugging, laughing, crying, clapping, hugging, crying , laughing, and did I mention crying.  Yes it was different.  After things settled down and her parents believed everything was true we sat on the couches and talked.  This is when Awkward Moment #1 happened.  Her mother who has wanted a grand kid since we got married was so excited.  Then she look at us and said she couldn't believe it. The she said "I was beginning to think you guys didn't know what you were doing."  Yes folks, the heat must have come on again because I was suddenly hot.  Everyone started laughing at this statement but I have to say Awkward Moment #1.  So everyone talked for a while.  Things went well and we had to get home so we started to leave.  This is when Awkward Moment #2 happened.  So we get up to leave and I hug Stephanie's mother.  She says she loves me and all is good.  Then I reach out to shake her dad's hand and he grabs it and pulls me in for the man hug.  All is good then me says 'Thank You".  Now this might seen like nothing.  But think about what he is thanking me for doing.  I got his daughter naked, had sex with her, and got her pregnant.  This is usually a dad's worst nightmare.  This is the one thing a dad can't think about and he is thanking me for doing it.  Yes folks the heat came on again and I was ready to go.  What a day.  Well this gets you a little farther along and I will keep writing until you are current.  So see ya soon.  I have to go to bed.

Boy Was I Ever Wrong

Well I found out this week that my wife is pregnant.   Yes folks, I am going to be a dad.  Before I get into this, I must first go back to the beginning and explain some things.  For those of you that don't know me, my name is Richard and my wife of 6 years is Stephanie.  We meet a long time ago, fell in love, and got married.  That is all you really need to know about that.  When we got married we talked about having kids but agreed to wait for 5 years so we can have fun and go places we wanted to go.  When you have kids, it changes. I know, people say you can still do these things with kids.  It is different though.  The kids are the ones that have all the fun and you now have to go places THEY want to go.  Going to Flordia to go to the beach and have some adult beverages turns into going to Disney spending 85 dollars a person to stand in lines all day to meet a teenager dressed as a mouse.  So anyway, we agreed to wait.  Well in my mind, 5 years seemed like a long time before we had to worry about things.  Boy was I ever wrong.  It went by WAY to fast.  I guess time does fly when you are having fun.  Well after 5 years, we started talking about maybe "trying".  I said we needed to wait and save up a little money.  I was able to use this tactic for little over a year.  My wife, Stephanie, then caught on and I had to come up with something else.  Well the company I was working for was not doing well so we had to cancel our insurance.  I then told Stephanie as soon as we get insurance we will try.  Well this worked for a few months until she called around and got us insurance from a private company.  This was not in my plans.  Now I had to come up with something else.  I decided on a plan to quit my job and get a new one.  I told her after 3 months, the insurance would kick in and it would be cheaper than what we were paying so we should wait for the new insurance to kick in.  I worked at my new job, thinking she would forget or finally give up.  Boy was I ever wrong.  Well when the three months were about to end and insurance was about to kick in, the subject comes up again.  I had no idea what to do.  Well the only thing I could think of under the pressure was to quit my job again and get a new one.  This would keep us from getting insurance. I could then get three more months out of this before the insurance from my new job kicked in.  Well I started my new job the day our insurance was suppose to start if I stayed at my old job.  Now I have three more months and maybe, just maybe, my honey will forget about it.  Boy was I ever wrong.  She got a calender and was counting down the days until these three months were up .  As the days passed, I didn't know what to do.  I was running out of ideas.  I really liked my new job and I couldn't quit every three months.  I think she was catching on.  Well I decided to let the three months pass and see what happens next.  Let me tell you what happens next.  The day out insurance kicked in, she wanted to talk.  And boy did we talk.  I had no answers except OK honey.  How bad can this be.  After a lot of talking, (and drinking), I finally agreed we could start "trying".  Now, I thought the whole "trying" thing was as easy as going to the bank.  You just have to pull up to the machine, put your Card in the Slot, make a deposit, take out your Card, and leave.  Boy was I ever wrong.  There is a science to "trying".  Your have to take temperatures at the same time every day, there are certain days, times, positions, and durations.  I still don't understand everything that is involved.  I mean you have to have the stars aligned just right, with a full moon, and certain weather conditions.  I think it has something to do with the high tides and the moon pulling things up.  I have no idea.  Anyway, I learned a lot.  Now, when a couple is "trying", it no longer becomes having sex when you want.  You now have to schedule the encounters.  It doesn't matter what is going on at that exact time everything is perfect.  You have to drop everything you are doing and make the deposit.  I know this sounds weird, but it is how things work.  If you are reading this and are thinking about "trying" let me give you a tip.  You have to compare this to a football game.  Follow me here.  You put up a scoreboard in the bedroom.  The idea is to get as many points per week as possible.  Now here are the point totals.  A touchdown is worth 7 and this is when the encounter lasts for a while and several plays are run and it takes a while to score, but you do.  A field goal is worth 3 and this is when you have some plays but you score pretty quick.  You don't get to tired but you at least score. Finally you have an extra point and it is worth 1.  This is when you go into the game and after one play, its over and you score.  These are usually done during lunch breaks.  Try to get as many points as possible and she will let you know when the scoreboard will be reset.  When this happens, she usually gets crabby and you usually get about a week's break then the game starts over again.   OK I think you have this down.  Now back to me.  Well we put up our scoreboard and agreed to let the games begin.  I figure if I can keep the score down to only a few scores a week, I should be OK.  I then saw on Kathie Lee and Hoda Kotb, (not that I watch their show, it was just on at work one day and I saw it) they were talking about "trying".  They then said that if a couple is "trying", on average they will have to score over 100 times before the football gets tucked away for nine months.  In case you are lost or just slow, this means you have to have sex over 100 times before you get pregnant.  This is on the Today show so it has to be true.  Well in my mind, I'm thinking if I keep the score down each week, I am good for at least 5-6 months and I don't have to quit my job again.  Boy was I ever wrong.  Our insurance started at a time that the football field was under repair. (if you don't get it, I'm sorry).  Well we decided to start scheduling encounters the 2nd week of October.  So in my twisted mind, I see no worries until at least March Madness.  I should have the rest of the football season and all of basketball season before anything happens.  Once again I think maybe my wife will get board and give up.  And once again, Boy was I ever wrong.  Well we go a few weeks with less than 10 scoring drives and I think I am doing good by keeping the score down.  Well, I come home, tired from working hard all day last monday, and my lovely wife asks me if I want to see what she bought at the store.  I say "Sure".  She grabs this bag and pulls out a very little Vandy shirt.  Well the first thing that goes through my mind is "this shirt is way to small for me".  Then I think it is for our dog ESPN and ask if it is for ESPN.  She says NO.  A little confused, I then ask if it was for Tyler and Jillian. (for those of you that don't know, Jillian and Tyler are some good friends of ours that just had a baby like 2 weeks ago).  She says NO again.  With no other ideas who it is for, then it hits me.  It is for our next friend who has a baby.   We have several friends that are pregnant right now.  Once again, boy was I ever wrong.  I could then tell by the look in her eyes what that shirt was for.  I believe the words that came out of my mouth were "Oh Lord".  I then believe the heater kicked on in the house because it got really really hot, dizzy, and I couldn't see straight.  I immediately thought about my safety and went straight to the fridge and got a beer.  After a few sips out of several cans, I realized I was going to be a dad.  Yes folks, Richard is going to be responsible for a human life.  If you know me, I'm sure you are more worried than I am.  There is no turning back now and I am going to do this.  I am just upset that the Today show lied to me.  I was told I had over 100 tokens to use and only got to use 6.  I should have a credit coming back to me.  If I would have know this, I would have put a little more effort into this.  I was still in pregame mode and not even thinking about tucking away the football for nine months this early in the game.  I guess my offense is just that good.  No fumbling or turnovers on my team.  Well the due date is July 31st which is our anniversary.  My Birthday is the week before and Stephanie's is the week after so one of us is about to get screwed out of gifts.  At least the baby will be born before football season gets going.   Well I am about a week behind on all of this.  I will try to enter something every other day until I get you caught up and current.  I'm and tired so this is all you will learn today.  Come back later and see what happened next.