What are we having?

What are we having?  That is the big question.  We will know in 3 days.  It will be interesting to see how this doctor informs us. I guess we will get another picture.  Can't wait.  We are not thinking of names or fixing up the room until we know.  Then after we know, we have to wait until March Madness is over then it is on.  Check back this week and I will let you know if its a boy or girl..  Bye for now.

Lemon aid

Well Stephanie and her mom went back to the doctor last week to hear the heartbeat and give blood.  I couldn't go because of work.  I'm sure he used the VCR box again and played the same tape so I probably didn't miss much.  Well, while my wife was there, they found her to have high blood pressure.  It could be a problem but they want to check things out first.  How will they check things? Let me tell you.  My wife will probably kill me for telling people this but I feel like I have to.  What you are about to read is for educational purposes only, not for entertainment.
  Well they send her home with what looks like a quart measuring cup.  You know, like the ones you cook with.  It has wings on each side and everything is plastic.  Well this thing fits in the toilet bowl.  The wings fit on top of the edges with the measuring cup suspended in the bowl right over the water.  We are talking really high tech stuff here.  Well my poor wife has to pee in this thing and then pour it into a orange jug.  She has to do this for a full 24 hours.  I told her I would help her fill up the jug so she wouldn't have to do it for so long but she said that probably wouldn't be good.  Well she has to keep her colored liquid in this jug until the next day.  Well folks this is when it really gets good.  Guess where they told her she had to keep the jug?  Yes people, IN THE FRIDGE.  You have to be fridging kidding me. 
We clean out half of the fridge to put this toxic jug in.  Once the jug was in the fridge, I did not eat or drink anything that was in the fridge.  You can ask Stephanie.  I didn't even open the fridge.  This poor jug has it's own shelf all by itself.  There is nothing anywhere close to it.  Just picture opening your fridge and on one side a 2 litter of coke and on the other side, everything stacked on top of everything.  Well the next day comes and it's Friday.  My wife gets up, does some things around the house, then gets the jug ready to be delivered back to the doctor.  She has to put it in a big bag that says "Bio hazard" and carry it from the parking lot to the office.  After getting to the office with delivery in hand, the door is locked.  Yes people, the doctor leaves early on Fridays.  Stephanie then has to take this package back to her car and come home.  Now what the hell do we do.  She calls a 24 hour office line and they tell her to dump it out and do everything again on Sunday and bring in Monday.  I believe this is a test from the doctor to see if my wife is really committed to having this baby.  Let me tell you right now, she is.  Well, we have another day that the fridge is off limits. Monday comes and she takes he colored liquid to the doctor and this time gets to leave it there.  So glad this is over for her. 
We still have the measurement cup and I think we can put it to use.  It looks like the attachment you use to potty train a baby.  We can just hold on to it and use it later.  Well, The fridge was cleaned and sanitized and any food that was near by was thrown away. This session is over for my wife and I hope she doesn't get to mad at me for telling you about it.  The only advise I can give people about this is if you ever come over to our house, Never drink any lemon aid found in our fridge.   

Lesson 3

Learned Lesson #3 a few weeks ago.  When a woman is pregnant, she is not fat.  I really don't know how to explain this.  Women need to understand that just because we say someone is fat while she is pregnant, doesn't mean we are saying something bad.  We are just stating facts.  I saw a woman the other day who was pregnant (with what looked like a beachball) and said she was fat.  I wasn't making fun of her, just stating what I saw.  I knew the reason why she was fat.  My lovely skinny wife then said "she is not fat, she is pregnant".  What the hell does that mean?  That is like someone saying that I am tall and I say "No I'm not, I just have long legs".  Believe me, people can tell if a woman is fat from being pregnant or from eating.  We are not making fun of pregnant women.  And I don't understand why a woman will be popping out and ask if she is fat and her friends will say "NO, I can't tell".  I guess you have to be a woman to understand this.  Women just don't need to be so hard on males when we comment.  We are not being mean. 

Awkward Moment #4.......WOW!!!!!

Ok.  I know everyone has been waiting for my latest post.  Work, school, and vandy basketball games have kept me busy for the last few months.  Oh well, lets get caught up.  A few weeks ago we got to hear the baby's heartbeat.  Yes my wife has two heartbeats.  Well we go this the doctor to hear this and I have no idea what is fixing to happen.  I was running late form work so we almost missed it.  They said we HAD to be there by 4:00 or they would be closed.  Well we get there at 3:57 and the waiting room is packed.  I really don't understand why the waiting room is always packed.  Note to any whoo hoo doctors out there: have big waiting rooms with a little space between seats and have air condition sufficient enough to keep the room at least under 75 degrees.  Well after waiting in this room for over an hour, they finally call us back.  Thinking we were about to hear this second beat, they put us in a smaller hotter room.  It was in this room that I experienced awkward moment #4.  We were sitting there and I was looking around at all of the interesting posters and pictures.  I don't care how old or what any guy has been through, seeing and reading the things on these posters makes any guy a little uncomfortable.  We want the kid, we just don't want to know about everything that has to happen for the kid to get here.  We just don't.  It is not us being mean or disrespectful, we just don't want to know everything.  Ok, this was not awkward moment #4.  Maybe awkward moment #4a.  What I am about to tell you is awkward moment #4.  While I was scanning over all of the pictures and posters, my attention was stopped on one that I just couldn't look away from.  It was rather disturbing.  It was over the sink and had several circles on it.  Under the circles were measurements.  It looked like a poster that should be hanging up in a 4th grade math class talking about circles and shapes.  Then I read the title.  It said "Sizes of Dilation".  I have always heard "she is dilated to 3" or "she is at 5".  It always seemed small and I didn't really think about it.  But holy $#!t.  The last circle was 10 and you could throw a football through it.  Are you freaking kidding me.  There is no way in hell that I am going to be at that end when the time comes.  I found out how this is possible.  You may not want to hear this but your woman's hips will dislocate like the jaws of a snake swallowing a goat.  Then they just pop back in place.  I hope I can make it through all of this without passing out and hitting the floor.  So after this disturbing event, the doctor finally comes in.  So we are about to hear the heartbeat so I'm expecting some huge wild machine to do this.  Well that is not what he brought.  He had in one hand a little box just smaller than a VCR tape.  For all of you that were born after 1990, VCR stands for Video Cassette Recorder. The VCR tape went into the player to watch video.  It later turned into the DVD that we use today.  Ok, now that everyone is up to date, he brings in this small box with, what actually looks like a small 1980's microphone, hanging from it.  He turns it on and starts rubbing it on my wife's stomach.  We hear a sound almost instantly.  It is not the baby but Stephanie.  How he knows this, I have no idea.  He then searches more and says here it is.  Well it didn't really sound like a heartbeat.  The best way to describe it is to think about an old Atari game.  If you are at least my age, you played Atari.  Well there was a game called Space Invaders.  When the aliens got closer to your shields, they would speed up.  Well the sound would also get faster.  Well the heartbeat sounded like the aliens were about to get to your tank. Just a fast sound.  If you have no idea what I am talking about, look up the game and I am sure you can get some sound on it.  Well we got to hear this sound for about 5 seconds and he said "thanks for bringing that in today".  Are you kidding me.  We wait for 2 hours for a 5 second show.  I'm not even sure if that was actually the heartbeat.  That small box could have been a recorder and once again, all he did is push play.  The tape probably wasn't long so all we could listen to was 5 seconds.  I bet we would have heard music if we kept listening.  Oh well.  It's still good.  This 5 second recording only cost us 2 hours of time and about $800.00.  That sounds fair.  Well were off for a few weeks, then we will find out what we are having.  I will let you know as soon as know.