Boy Was I Ever Wrong

Well I found out this week that my wife is pregnant.   Yes folks, I am going to be a dad.  Before I get into this, I must first go back to the beginning and explain some things.  For those of you that don't know me, my name is Richard and my wife of 6 years is Stephanie.  We meet a long time ago, fell in love, and got married.  That is all you really need to know about that.  When we got married we talked about having kids but agreed to wait for 5 years so we can have fun and go places we wanted to go.  When you have kids, it changes. I know, people say you can still do these things with kids.  It is different though.  The kids are the ones that have all the fun and you now have to go places THEY want to go.  Going to Flordia to go to the beach and have some adult beverages turns into going to Disney spending 85 dollars a person to stand in lines all day to meet a teenager dressed as a mouse.  So anyway, we agreed to wait.  Well in my mind, 5 years seemed like a long time before we had to worry about things.  Boy was I ever wrong.  It went by WAY to fast.  I guess time does fly when you are having fun.  Well after 5 years, we started talking about maybe "trying".  I said we needed to wait and save up a little money.  I was able to use this tactic for little over a year.  My wife, Stephanie, then caught on and I had to come up with something else.  Well the company I was working for was not doing well so we had to cancel our insurance.  I then told Stephanie as soon as we get insurance we will try.  Well this worked for a few months until she called around and got us insurance from a private company.  This was not in my plans.  Now I had to come up with something else.  I decided on a plan to quit my job and get a new one.  I told her after 3 months, the insurance would kick in and it would be cheaper than what we were paying so we should wait for the new insurance to kick in.  I worked at my new job, thinking she would forget or finally give up.  Boy was I ever wrong.  Well when the three months were about to end and insurance was about to kick in, the subject comes up again.  I had no idea what to do.  Well the only thing I could think of under the pressure was to quit my job again and get a new one.  This would keep us from getting insurance. I could then get three more months out of this before the insurance from my new job kicked in.  Well I started my new job the day our insurance was suppose to start if I stayed at my old job.  Now I have three more months and maybe, just maybe, my honey will forget about it.  Boy was I ever wrong.  She got a calender and was counting down the days until these three months were up .  As the days passed, I didn't know what to do.  I was running out of ideas.  I really liked my new job and I couldn't quit every three months.  I think she was catching on.  Well I decided to let the three months pass and see what happens next.  Let me tell you what happens next.  The day out insurance kicked in, she wanted to talk.  And boy did we talk.  I had no answers except OK honey.  How bad can this be.  After a lot of talking, (and drinking), I finally agreed we could start "trying".  Now, I thought the whole "trying" thing was as easy as going to the bank.  You just have to pull up to the machine, put your Card in the Slot, make a deposit, take out your Card, and leave.  Boy was I ever wrong.  There is a science to "trying".  Your have to take temperatures at the same time every day, there are certain days, times, positions, and durations.  I still don't understand everything that is involved.  I mean you have to have the stars aligned just right, with a full moon, and certain weather conditions.  I think it has something to do with the high tides and the moon pulling things up.  I have no idea.  Anyway, I learned a lot.  Now, when a couple is "trying", it no longer becomes having sex when you want.  You now have to schedule the encounters.  It doesn't matter what is going on at that exact time everything is perfect.  You have to drop everything you are doing and make the deposit.  I know this sounds weird, but it is how things work.  If you are reading this and are thinking about "trying" let me give you a tip.  You have to compare this to a football game.  Follow me here.  You put up a scoreboard in the bedroom.  The idea is to get as many points per week as possible.  Now here are the point totals.  A touchdown is worth 7 and this is when the encounter lasts for a while and several plays are run and it takes a while to score, but you do.  A field goal is worth 3 and this is when you have some plays but you score pretty quick.  You don't get to tired but you at least score. Finally you have an extra point and it is worth 1.  This is when you go into the game and after one play, its over and you score.  These are usually done during lunch breaks.  Try to get as many points as possible and she will let you know when the scoreboard will be reset.  When this happens, she usually gets crabby and you usually get about a week's break then the game starts over again.   OK I think you have this down.  Now back to me.  Well we put up our scoreboard and agreed to let the games begin.  I figure if I can keep the score down to only a few scores a week, I should be OK.  I then saw on Kathie Lee and Hoda Kotb, (not that I watch their show, it was just on at work one day and I saw it) they were talking about "trying".  They then said that if a couple is "trying", on average they will have to score over 100 times before the football gets tucked away for nine months.  In case you are lost or just slow, this means you have to have sex over 100 times before you get pregnant.  This is on the Today show so it has to be true.  Well in my mind, I'm thinking if I keep the score down each week, I am good for at least 5-6 months and I don't have to quit my job again.  Boy was I ever wrong.  Our insurance started at a time that the football field was under repair. (if you don't get it, I'm sorry).  Well we decided to start scheduling encounters the 2nd week of October.  So in my twisted mind, I see no worries until at least March Madness.  I should have the rest of the football season and all of basketball season before anything happens.  Once again I think maybe my wife will get board and give up.  And once again, Boy was I ever wrong.  Well we go a few weeks with less than 10 scoring drives and I think I am doing good by keeping the score down.  Well, I come home, tired from working hard all day last monday, and my lovely wife asks me if I want to see what she bought at the store.  I say "Sure".  She grabs this bag and pulls out a very little Vandy shirt.  Well the first thing that goes through my mind is "this shirt is way to small for me".  Then I think it is for our dog ESPN and ask if it is for ESPN.  She says NO.  A little confused, I then ask if it was for Tyler and Jillian. (for those of you that don't know, Jillian and Tyler are some good friends of ours that just had a baby like 2 weeks ago).  She says NO again.  With no other ideas who it is for, then it hits me.  It is for our next friend who has a baby.   We have several friends that are pregnant right now.  Once again, boy was I ever wrong.  I could then tell by the look in her eyes what that shirt was for.  I believe the words that came out of my mouth were "Oh Lord".  I then believe the heater kicked on in the house because it got really really hot, dizzy, and I couldn't see straight.  I immediately thought about my safety and went straight to the fridge and got a beer.  After a few sips out of several cans, I realized I was going to be a dad.  Yes folks, Richard is going to be responsible for a human life.  If you know me, I'm sure you are more worried than I am.  There is no turning back now and I am going to do this.  I am just upset that the Today show lied to me.  I was told I had over 100 tokens to use and only got to use 6.  I should have a credit coming back to me.  If I would have know this, I would have put a little more effort into this.  I was still in pregame mode and not even thinking about tucking away the football for nine months this early in the game.  I guess my offense is just that good.  No fumbling or turnovers on my team.  Well the due date is July 31st which is our anniversary.  My Birthday is the week before and Stephanie's is the week after so one of us is about to get screwed out of gifts.  At least the baby will be born before football season gets going.   Well I am about a week behind on all of this.  I will try to enter something every other day until I get you caught up and current.  I'm and tired so this is all you will learn today.  Come back later and see what happened next.