Ok, glad you came back. Well today was the day I got to meet the doctor that is going to catch Jr. when he or she comes into the world. Well we get to this doctor's office, sign in, and find us a couple of comfortable wood-back seats. We are waiting and the TV is on. Guess what was on the TV? Yes folks, Dr. Phil. What else would be on TV in this place? Well that wasn't what caught my attention. Guess what was on Dr. Phil? It was an episode on kids growing up, joining gangs at age 9, shooting people, and doing drugs. This really made me feel good about raising a kid. If this wasn't enough, there was this couple with a 4 year old boy. This boy thought this waiting room was his private playground. He was running and yelling all over the place. I almost tripped him one time when he ran by but, I thought better of it. If he tripped, he would probably have gotten louder. So after we had been there watching TV and sitting for almost 45 minutes, they called Stephanie's name and she left. I was there all by myself with about 15 other pregnant women. You know how it feels when you think someone is staring at you, well take this feeling and multiply it by 15. I thought the heat was getting ready to kick on, but it didn't. So now after I have been sitting there for over an hour, Stephanie comes out and I believe we are getting ready to leave. I start to get excited, then she tells me she has to drink a glass of water and then she has to get an ultrasound. For those of you who don't know, ultrasounds are the biggest scams in medical history. I like to call it an ultrascam. All that is happening is the same video is played over the screen for every pregnant client. Yes folks, the same video for everyone. If you don't believe me, just look at two different ultrasounds. They are the same movie. It is a bunch of black and white blotches and a dot where the "BABY" is. This is nothing more than a black and white movie of someone rustling through a blanket. It is a scam. Don't you think that by now they could have this in color and HD. If they can colorize the movie Casablanca, surely they can have a little color here.
OK. We go back to the room and the ultrasoundest dims the lights. This is so you can not see him push play on the DVD player. If you don't believe me just look. I saw the player right under the computer. Then he squirts some cold jello on the stomach of the client. It is cold so the client doesn't notice what he is doing. This is a diversions tactic. So then he runs a Wii remote around in the jello and says this "picture" is the baby. Whatever. I just see shapes. It looks like an I.Q. ink blot test, but I will go along with his game. Anyway, he said it is the size of a blueberry. A few weeks ago it was a poppy seed, then it went to a sesame seed, now a blueberry. Just something to wonder about, why do they always compare the baby with something you eat.
Ok now back to the untrascam. He plays with the Wii remote for a while and prints off about 15 pictures. While looking at them in the dark, they look like a really bad photo negative. Then when he turns on the lights and we see that they are all the same picture. Yes folks, everyone gets the same damn picture. So we take our photo booth pictures and head to the doctors office. While we are waiting form him, I notice other files on his desk. I just happen to look closely and see that these people have the same pictures as we do. I tell you, it is a scam.
Well this doctor walks in and I stand up to shake his hand. This is when Awkward Moment #3 happens. I realize that I just shook the hand, of another man, who will have this hand, "down there". I didn't know what to say or do at this point. After he talked to Stephanie for a while, I found out that he was a Vandy Fan. If this is true, I may allow him to stick his hands "down there". So we talked for a while and finally got up to leave. He told us to bring a VCR tape next time and he will record the next ultrascam. This basically means he will dub it. I thought about just asking for his copy but didn't want to blow his cover. You know you can buy these videos on ebay. So this day is finished and I am getting ready to call it a night. Just remember, they are a scam.
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