Awkward Moment #4.......WOW!!!!!

Ok.  I know everyone has been waiting for my latest post.  Work, school, and vandy basketball games have kept me busy for the last few months.  Oh well, lets get caught up.  A few weeks ago we got to hear the baby's heartbeat.  Yes my wife has two heartbeats.  Well we go this the doctor to hear this and I have no idea what is fixing to happen.  I was running late form work so we almost missed it.  They said we HAD to be there by 4:00 or they would be closed.  Well we get there at 3:57 and the waiting room is packed.  I really don't understand why the waiting room is always packed.  Note to any whoo hoo doctors out there: have big waiting rooms with a little space between seats and have air condition sufficient enough to keep the room at least under 75 degrees.  Well after waiting in this room for over an hour, they finally call us back.  Thinking we were about to hear this second beat, they put us in a smaller hotter room.  It was in this room that I experienced awkward moment #4.  We were sitting there and I was looking around at all of the interesting posters and pictures.  I don't care how old or what any guy has been through, seeing and reading the things on these posters makes any guy a little uncomfortable.  We want the kid, we just don't want to know about everything that has to happen for the kid to get here.  We just don't.  It is not us being mean or disrespectful, we just don't want to know everything.  Ok, this was not awkward moment #4.  Maybe awkward moment #4a.  What I am about to tell you is awkward moment #4.  While I was scanning over all of the pictures and posters, my attention was stopped on one that I just couldn't look away from.  It was rather disturbing.  It was over the sink and had several circles on it.  Under the circles were measurements.  It looked like a poster that should be hanging up in a 4th grade math class talking about circles and shapes.  Then I read the title.  It said "Sizes of Dilation".  I have always heard "she is dilated to 3" or "she is at 5".  It always seemed small and I didn't really think about it.  But holy $#!t.  The last circle was 10 and you could throw a football through it.  Are you freaking kidding me.  There is no way in hell that I am going to be at that end when the time comes.  I found out how this is possible.  You may not want to hear this but your woman's hips will dislocate like the jaws of a snake swallowing a goat.  Then they just pop back in place.  I hope I can make it through all of this without passing out and hitting the floor.  So after this disturbing event, the doctor finally comes in.  So we are about to hear the heartbeat so I'm expecting some huge wild machine to do this.  Well that is not what he brought.  He had in one hand a little box just smaller than a VCR tape.  For all of you that were born after 1990, VCR stands for Video Cassette Recorder. The VCR tape went into the player to watch video.  It later turned into the DVD that we use today.  Ok, now that everyone is up to date, he brings in this small box with, what actually looks like a small 1980's microphone, hanging from it.  He turns it on and starts rubbing it on my wife's stomach.  We hear a sound almost instantly.  It is not the baby but Stephanie.  How he knows this, I have no idea.  He then searches more and says here it is.  Well it didn't really sound like a heartbeat.  The best way to describe it is to think about an old Atari game.  If you are at least my age, you played Atari.  Well there was a game called Space Invaders.  When the aliens got closer to your shields, they would speed up.  Well the sound would also get faster.  Well the heartbeat sounded like the aliens were about to get to your tank. Just a fast sound.  If you have no idea what I am talking about, look up the game and I am sure you can get some sound on it.  Well we got to hear this sound for about 5 seconds and he said "thanks for bringing that in today".  Are you kidding me.  We wait for 2 hours for a 5 second show.  I'm not even sure if that was actually the heartbeat.  That small box could have been a recorder and once again, all he did is push play.  The tape probably wasn't long so all we could listen to was 5 seconds.  I bet we would have heard music if we kept listening.  Oh well.  It's still good.  This 5 second recording only cost us 2 hours of time and about $800.00.  That sounds fair.  Well were off for a few weeks, then we will find out what we are having.  I will let you know as soon as know.